Not Paris's finest week

Since this is apparently the biggest news since OJ stabbed his wife--excuse me, didn't stab his wife--I'm going to dedicate our first post to Paris Hilton's crazy-ass week.

First of all, what is up with this press coverage? There was one of those bright red "breaking news" banners on CNN.com about her court hearing, and they now have a whole section dedicated to "The Hilton Case." That's a mistake, because it insinuates that she actually matters. I know people eat this stuff up (myself included) but have some dignity, CNN. You're supposed to be, like, professional and crap.

As it stands right now, the girl is going back to the slammer. She first went to jail on June 3, then was released three days later for "medial problems" (AKA not enjoying jail). So she got to chill in her mansion with an ankle bracelet, but then today got dragged back to the courtroom because the judge questioned her release, like any rational human would. And now, she's being sent back. Hilarious.

The AP is reporting that Paris was crying and yelling "this isn't right" after she was ordered to return to jail. Last I checked, it isn't right to get off scot-free for being a dumbshit and driving drunk. Honestly, this week would be a roller-coaster for anyone; and since Paris has the emotional maturity of like an eight year old, she's probably about ready to implode.

What's sad about celebrity DUIs is that they are the last people who should be getting arrested for that. I mean, they have people to talk to the press and pick out their clothes wipe their asses for them; why don't they have anyone to drive their coked-up bodies home?

If you have money, you don't need to start committing hillbilly crimes. Celebrity news is starting to resemble an old episode of "Cops." Next thing you know, Brad Pitt is going to be videotaped stumbling out of his house in his tighty whities, holding a can of Bud Light with a scrappy dog following him. Then he's going to yell some racial slurs and do a face-plant into the dirt while a bruised-up Angelina Jolie stands in the doorway looking scared.