Looking for your wang?

Los Angeles is the worst place in the world to be a male. Normally, I would say it’s the worst place to be any human being, but today I’m going to just look at the poor dudes who live here.

Maybe it’s because I was born and raised in a place where “men” go camping, bail hay, play sports and have rifles. By that definition, the males in southern California are some of the least manly men you could imagine. I’m not advocating being a hick or a caveman—the most attractive thing is to just do what is traditionally manly and distinguishes you from women. Do you want to be a man, or do you want to be a gal pal?

Guys here routinely go shopping, get facials or mani-pedis and, the saddest of all, walk tiny teacup dogs in public. I can’t imagine anything more emasculating than being seen with a dog that’s the same size as the football that's collecting dust in the back of your closet. I know that the “metrosexual” movement has been around for awhile, but that’s always been questionable in my mind. Is it natural for a guy to care about his hair that much?

Now, it’s not that these guys choose to do such pansy things—rather, they’re victims. I blame this glamtastic town and the bimbos (both male and female) who inhabit it. I don’t know how or when it happened; but somehow, guys have been socialized not to hammer up drywall, be athletic and wear jeans, but rather to put goo in their hair, pop their collars and use makeup. Makeup is for girls and circus clowns only!

It’s like the habits of LA’s overly-tanned, platinum blonde chicks somehow rubbed off on all the guys, or they just got the guys trained really well. When LA girls see a man with strong arms, they don’t think of him carrying a woman off to the bedroom; they see him being able to carry all the bags when they go shopping that weekend.

There are certain duties that a man has, but chivalry—opening doors and getting the check—is different from being your bitch. (On the other end, of course, is chauvinism, which I’m definitely not advocating. Men can set themselves apart from women without reverting to misogynist douchebags.)

So, men and women of Los Angeles—nay, men and women of the WORLD— let’s try to get back to basics. Guys, don’t fight the natural urges you have to start bar fights and own big dogs and lift heavy things. Girls, you can invest as much time as you want into obsessing over your bimbo self and doing girly things, just don’t bring your man down with you.