One of those weeks...

This has been quite a week. Monday, I got in a car accident. Tuesday, Johan Santana was traded to the Mets. Wednesday, the prettiest and my personal favorite presidential candidate, John Edwards, dropped out of the race. Thursday, the Oceanic 815 survivors split into two camps on the island. Friday ... well, nothing has gone wrong yet, unless you count the fact that I have to sit in my windowless office for eight hours.

There are two ways to proceed from such a series of events: One, I will drink this weekend. Two, I believe next week will be better. Let's be honest, both are inevitable.

So Monday, I was driving to work and some idiot SOB changed lanes into me. It was my first real car accident and, as some might say, it scared the semen out of me. (When I was 18 I rear-ended someone back home in MN, but I don't count that because my car was worthless and I was stupid). We exchanged insurance info, and when the man and his BS crazy wife drove away, I discovered that I'd locked my keys in my newly dented car. Luckily, a kind man named Beto from the nearby transmission shop jimmied open my door. Anyway, I've spent all week dealing with insurance crap and trying to sort out what I should do with my dented but drivable car, while also cursing the man in the Impala (who, to avoid litigation, I will not name).

Moving on, Tuesday was another bum day when I found out that Johan Santana, the pitcher for my beloved Minnesota Twins, was traded to the Mets (that's right, I follow sports). Although not notoriously dominant like some sports teams, the Twins are always good, and they've been particularly strong in recent years thanks to players like Santana, Mauer, Morneau and the now traded Hunter and Jones. We'll find someone to replace Santana, but I don't really get baseball trades in general. I know this isn't how the game (or life) works, but I feel like there should be a stronger sense of loyalty between players and teams. Perhaps even, dare I say it, love... But between the ginormous paychecks and rampant drug use, I think love left the game a long time ago.

After coming to terms with the trade, I awoke Wednesday to news that the dashing and inspiring John Edwards was calling it quits. Though consistently lagging in polls and fund-raising, I thought Edwards really stood a chance. He seemed like the most logical choice for the democratic nominee, but was brushed aside for the more novel celebrity candidates. I went through the normal stages of grief (denial, anger, punching my boss, passing out drunk, acceptance) and even wrote John a nice note on his web site. I think now I'll be an Obama backer. I can't get on board with any Republicans, because I can't vote for anyone who supports staying in the Iraq Cluster F---. I also pretty much despise shady Hillary. Thus, I'm left with Obama, who at least has taken a page out of Edwards's populist handbook.

Thursday was really not terrible. I'd been looking forward to more "Lost" since the trippy season 3 finale last May, and thankfully the season 4 premiere was great. It left us with more questions than ever (who else is in the Oceanic 6? was John with Jacob? who's on the freighter?) but that was expected. I really hope they get the damn writers' strike wrapped up, not so people can go back to earning a living but so that I don't have to wait even longer for more of the wild and crazy "Lost" antics.

For a downer post, this was certainly lengthy. Luckily there are only about 2 or 3 hours left of the work week. And -- brace yourself for some amazing news -- the Save the Sexy bloggers will be reunited this weekend in Los Angeles. Fun times, revelry and perhaps some illegal activities will surely ensue.

Iowa Caucus Ruckus

The Presidential primary election is starting to resemble a three-ring circus; it's full of clowns.

Yesterday, Mike Huckabee won 34 percent of the republican vote in Iowa's first-in-the-nation caucus. People seem to like Huckabee because he has a proud religious background and sticks to his ideals. It's the same kind of mentality that elected Bush in 2000, when the White House was ripe with personal scandal and the issue that drove voters was electing a leader with good moral character. But good moral character without experience or knowledge makes for poor leadership. A president, ideally, should have both.

It's important for a leader to be able to admit when he or she is wrong – a trait our current commander-in-chief seems to lack. So I applaud Mitt Romney for his willingness to change his opinion on an issue like abortion. But Romney has changed his political stance on more than one issue, one more than one occasion, throughout his political career. We can't afford to elect someone who's wrong that often.

I was glad to see Rudy Giuliani's sixth place finish in Iowa. The only candidate, democrat or republican, who could do worse by this country than Bush is Giuliani. I can't even believe that he's still capturing the top spot on national republican polls. He's the former mayor of New York City. Seriously? He's still a candidate? My plumber has more foreign policy experience.

Barack Obama won 38 percent of the democratic vote in Iowa. Like Huckabee, Obama appeals to our optimistic side with his message of hope, pledge to change the world and bipartisan record. He talks a pretty big game for someone who was a mere state senator until 2005. I don't doubt his intelligence, only the scope of his experience in office. Degrees from Columbia and Harvard don't forgive inexperience, and book smarts can't replace practical knowledge. With four or eight more years of experience in the US Senate, Obama could become a viable candidate. But for now, what is he doing?

I won't rip on John Edwards too much because I know RJo is a supporter. I guess I just can't get behind a candidate once I know they spend $400 on haircuts. Especially if that candidate is a dude.

The only fair election would be one with Hilary Clinton as the democratic candidate and John McCain running as the republican. Everything else is just a joke. Sure, Clinton can be polarizing, and McCain is older than dirt. But varied personal and professional experiences are what prepare a future president to react to the challenges he or she will face while in office. Regardless of your opinion on their politics, you can't deny that Clinton and McCain are the most experienced candidates.

A lot of candidates build their platforms on promises that appeal to the idealist in us all, but they'll never be able to deliver. Not because they lie, necessarily, but because even our most cynical politicians are too naïve for the office of President.

They promise lower taxes, and inevitably raise them. Washington outsiders think they can, in addition to the daily demands of their office, reform all three branches of government. Career businessmen believe they'll be able to run Washington like a Fortune 500 company. They even have detailed plans outlining their strategy for success.

But the president, influential as the position may be, can't change the world on his or her own. And our founding fathers created a near-bullet proof constitution designed to make our government run slower than molasses. They feared monarch-like rulers who could shape the laws to suite their personal tastes. That's why we have three branches of government and that's why we have checks and balances.

Iowa is just the first stop on a long and bumpy road to the White House. America's attention now turns to the Granite State, where its first-in-the-nation primary will be held Jan. 8. Happy voting, New Hampshire!

I need TV, stat!!

Is it just me, or is every episode of "ER" the BIGGEST EPISODE EVER? The show just had its 300th episode last month, and I'm pretty sure 280 of them were billed as being "groundbreaking" or "very touching" or "freakin awesome." Yeah, I know there's that thing called advertising, but at this point NBC is like the boy who cried wolf -- I'm pretty sure each episode is just going to include some inner-office romances, a cancer patient and a flatliner. Maybe the guy who writes their ads has some sort of disease that causes him to speak only in hyperbole.
Ad guy's wife: "How was your day, honey?"
Ad guy: "Absolutely unbelievably fabulous!"
Ad guy's kid: "Look at the picture I drew today at school."
Ad guy: "You did a fantastic job of capturing dog poo! This is earth shattering!"
Ad guy's kid: "Umm it's supposed to be a unicorn."

Now if they had THAT disease on the show, I might consider tuning in. Unfortunately, we won't be getting new episodes of "ER" or anything else for awhile, due to the damn writers' strike. Personally, I'm getting pretty sick of this nonsense. It's gone on for so long that I can't remember what the issues are. I'm not exactly sure, but I want to blame the terrorists...

Celeb-apalooza!

Today is a brilliant one in celebrity news--Britney has a meltdown, Lindsay gets arrested again, someone decides Drew Carey is as cool as Bob Barker, our pets heads are falling off... it's almost too good to be true. Some thoughts:

-OK! magazine reportedly witnessed a Grade A meltdown at a photo shoot with Britney Spears, and they're printing the juicy details in this Friday's issue. Normally, OK would be the last magazine I would purchase, but I'm going to be all over that thing like white on rice on a paper plate in a snow storm. Part of me thinks that at this point, a Britney meltdown is about as unusual as the sun rising, but it's still so damn enticing.

-In more "that's shocking but not really" news, Lindsay Lohan was arrested AGAIN this morning for driving drunk. She blew a .12 (legal limit is .08) and had cocaine in her pocket. Seriously, Lindsay? Are you seriously that retarded?? I know you and Paris don't really chill anymore, but you do know that she went to jail, right? At least she was just drunk and did it once--you had coke and did it twice. Good luck with that slippery soap, toots.

-Drew Carey is apparently taking over "The Price is Right" from Bob Barker. If you asked me who the best person to replace jolly ol' Bob would be, Carey would be at the bottom of the list, right after Kim Jong Il or my elbow. I just have zero interest in watching the guy. He hasn't been funny since that five seconds in like 1993.

And just so that this entry has at least a smidge of intelligence, here are some thoughts on last night's Democratic presidential debate on CNN:

-In one of his "I'm cooler than you because I've been there" moments, Sen. Joe Biden told a story about going to Iraq and getting shot at. Look, Biden, how many times do I have to tell you--you are NOT 50 Cent. Rappin about bullets flying is not going to help you win street cred in this election . Mostly because you're an old white guy.

-Who knew Mike Gravel was such a sassypants? That guy's old enough to remember when the sandwich was invented, but he's still got a great self-deprecating wit. He's also kind of a basket case, though; one second he's laughing about not being popular and the next he's foaming at the mouth, saying soldiers died in vain. Yowza.

-If John Edwards wants everyone else to stop talking about his $400 haircut, he's going to have to lead the way. I had forgiven him about 30 seconds after the story broke, but then he keeps bringing it up in every commercial and e-mail. "Focus on the issues and not on my hair," he says. You're my favorite, Johnny, but you're going to have to be the first to shut up about it.

That's it for now, homies. But as long as famous people keep acting like morons, I'll be back soon.

Looking for your wang?

Los Angeles is the worst place in the world to be a male. Normally, I would say it’s the worst place to be any human being, but today I’m going to just look at the poor dudes who live here.

Maybe it’s because I was born and raised in a place where “men” go camping, bail hay, play sports and have rifles. By that definition, the males in southern California are some of the least manly men you could imagine. I’m not advocating being a hick or a caveman—the most attractive thing is to just do what is traditionally manly and distinguishes you from women. Do you want to be a man, or do you want to be a gal pal?

Guys here routinely go shopping, get facials or mani-pedis and, the saddest of all, walk tiny teacup dogs in public. I can’t imagine anything more emasculating than being seen with a dog that’s the same size as the football that's collecting dust in the back of your closet. I know that the “metrosexual” movement has been around for awhile, but that’s always been questionable in my mind. Is it natural for a guy to care about his hair that much?

Now, it’s not that these guys choose to do such pansy things—rather, they’re victims. I blame this glamtastic town and the bimbos (both male and female) who inhabit it. I don’t know how or when it happened; but somehow, guys have been socialized not to hammer up drywall, be athletic and wear jeans, but rather to put goo in their hair, pop their collars and use makeup. Makeup is for girls and circus clowns only!

It’s like the habits of LA’s overly-tanned, platinum blonde chicks somehow rubbed off on all the guys, or they just got the guys trained really well. When LA girls see a man with strong arms, they don’t think of him carrying a woman off to the bedroom; they see him being able to carry all the bags when they go shopping that weekend.

There are certain duties that a man has, but chivalry—opening doors and getting the check—is different from being your bitch. (On the other end, of course, is chauvinism, which I’m definitely not advocating. Men can set themselves apart from women without reverting to misogynist douchebags.)

So, men and women of Los Angeles—nay, men and women of the WORLD— let’s try to get back to basics. Guys, don’t fight the natural urges you have to start bar fights and own big dogs and lift heavy things. Girls, you can invest as much time as you want into obsessing over your bimbo self and doing girly things, just don’t bring your man down with you.

Not Paris's finest week

Since this is apparently the biggest news since OJ stabbed his wife--excuse me, didn't stab his wife--I'm going to dedicate our first post to Paris Hilton's crazy-ass week.

First of all, what is up with this press coverage? There was one of those bright red "breaking news" banners on CNN.com about her court hearing, and they now have a whole section dedicated to "The Hilton Case." That's a mistake, because it insinuates that she actually matters. I know people eat this stuff up (myself included) but have some dignity, CNN. You're supposed to be, like, professional and crap.

As it stands right now, the girl is going back to the slammer. She first went to jail on June 3, then was released three days later for "medial problems" (AKA not enjoying jail). So she got to chill in her mansion with an ankle bracelet, but then today got dragged back to the courtroom because the judge questioned her release, like any rational human would. And now, she's being sent back. Hilarious.

The AP is reporting that Paris was crying and yelling "this isn't right" after she was ordered to return to jail. Last I checked, it isn't right to get off scot-free for being a dumbshit and driving drunk. Honestly, this week would be a roller-coaster for anyone; and since Paris has the emotional maturity of like an eight year old, she's probably about ready to implode.

What's sad about celebrity DUIs is that they are the last people who should be getting arrested for that. I mean, they have people to talk to the press and pick out their clothes wipe their asses for them; why don't they have anyone to drive their coked-up bodies home?

If you have money, you don't need to start committing hillbilly crimes. Celebrity news is starting to resemble an old episode of "Cops." Next thing you know, Brad Pitt is going to be videotaped stumbling out of his house in his tighty whities, holding a can of Bud Light with a scrappy dog following him. Then he's going to yell some racial slurs and do a face-plant into the dirt while a bruised-up Angelina Jolie stands in the doorway looking scared.